The girls on OKcupid keep getting farther away…
in a geographical sense.
The ones nearby… either had no interest in me… or I in them.
At best I’m picky. Not so much in a physical sense, physically the women who have romantically passed through my life have had little in common. Some thin, some full figured, some blonde, some brunette…etc..etc.
But they’ve all had a certain sense of humor, and a certain intelligence.
Or so I tell myself
Picky… it could be a defense mechanism.
Technically I could be defined as fearless, in a very Ernest Hemingway sense of the word. I faced and a conquered a myriad of different things. Unflinchingly for the most part.
Rejection, by a women however…still scares me. I have crushes like you would not believe. Probably a dozen in the town where I work alone.
And at least one cyber (tumblr) crush. (Meaghano, who as frequently as I disagree with what she says, and don’t really care for this whole online living blog writer garbage…or whatever it is exactly, I still find her words very attractive and her seeming honesty in writing absolutely humbling…and sometimes inspiring)
But rejection doesn’t even scare me as much as something else does…acceptance.
What if one of these willful, and intelligent women I so admire did show an interest in me. What then?
Could I charm her and keep her interested with my personality? probably… I think, I’m sort of fun in person. I like to think I have a sharp wit about me.
no theres something far more dreadful
sex
and look it….
I’m not a virgin, or anything of the sort. I’ve had sex in the past, and have even been told I was all right at it.
But one doomed engagement and then a unhealthy period as a pod person followed by a very very unsucessful fling.
I find myself very much in doubt of myself. I find myself profoundly terrified of being talked sniggered about mockingly after an awkward and short night. Paralyzed really; and to be honest I’m way out of practice.
It’s hard to get practice
especially when you’re so picky….
so woe is me right?
I’ll sort it
but thats the big issue in my world
